By Scott Taylor and Dave Petrishen
We’re back! The 2013 National Football League is upon us and The Coach and Dr. Football have returned to make you wealthier in January than you were in August.
It’s NFL Weekly Picks time and we’re going to start with the Thursday night season opening game and then do our regular weekly picks on Friday, as always.
If you feel you need an excuse for all the Twitter bombs you’re going to get this weekend after it becomes painfully obvious your favorite NFL team has no freakin’ chance to win the Super Bowl, fear not.
You can Tweet those idiots back and we’ll even help. In 140 characters or less, here are the reasons your beloved Lions, Bears, Cardinals, Vikings, Bucs… etc., etc., will not win the Super Bowl.
Buffalo Bills: Even if EJ Manuel can play QB, which isn’t likely, these guys still aren’t good enough.
Miami Dolphins: Really? Ryan Tannehill? Really? And you thought… what? #deadfish
New England Patriots: Well, perhaps if we had an all-pro tight end who wasn’t in jail, we’d win it again. #weswelker
New York Jets: Geno Smith and Rex Ryan. Now there’s a combination. #marksanchez
Baltimore Ravens: Ray Lewis has retired and you just can’t replace those pre-game speeches at knifepoint that no one understood.
Cincinnati Bengals: Andy Dalton? Meh.
Cleveland Browns: Why would anyone waste his time ragging on my Browns? The Browns can’t fix my Browns. #bringbackjimbrown
Pittsburgh Steelers: You’re starting to be able to see through the Steel Curtain while the offense was 22nd in the league last year.
Houston Texans: Yeah, you moron, just wait! #runningoutoftime
Indianapolis Colts: One more year of seasoning for Mr. Luck and then look out! #2015
Jacksonville Jaguars: Huh? You think the Jags are funny? #wannabuyaticket
Tennessee Titans: We only gave up 471 total points last year. It can’t get worse. #holycrap
Denver Broncos: Hmm. Tweet anything you like. I’m not paying attention. #peytonfreakingmanning
Kansas City Chiefs: Well, you have to admit, Alex Smith is a little better than Matt Cassel.
Oakland Raiders: Yeah, sure, but we have the coolest fans. #raidernation
San Diego Chargers: The weather is far too nice to waste a day playing football. #philiprivers
Dallas Cowboys: Just wait. Tony Romo hasn’t gone fetal yet.
New York Giants: Eli has already won more Super Bowls than his big brother so where’s the incentive?
Philadelphia Eagles: Chip Kelly will get this figured out. If nothing else, he’ll give it the old college try.
Washington Redskins: No matter who plays quarterback, Mike Shanahan will find a way to make him slow, dull and boring.
Chicago Bears: Poor Marc Trestman. Jay Cutler is no Anthony Calvillo… Anthony who? #Alouettes
Detroit Lions: Throw, Matthew, throw! #whereiscalvin
Green Bay Packers: If you do enough TV commercials people will think you’re really good. #claymatthews
Minnesota Vikings: Yes, it’s Adrian Peterson. No he can’t win 13… 14 football games by himself. #ponderthis
Atlanta Falcons: There is absolutely no excuse. #mattyice
Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton: Being coached into becoming his mom’s favorite player. #deangelowilliamsorbust
New Orleans Saints: Final score 66-58. Pick your winner.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Oh my goodness, where do we start? #dougmartinandacloudofdust
Arizona Cardinals: When you don’t have a QB who can get the ball to Larry Fitzgerald Jr. you aren’t going to win.
St. Louis Rams: Love a healthy Sam Bradford, but who is playing quarterback this week? #kellenclemens
San Francisco 49ers: This time for sure.
Seattle Seahawks: Every year the experts say, “This is the year.” And every year it isn’t.
Last year, we did pretty well at picking winners and making money. Dr. Football finished at 173-94 straight up and 135-132 against the spread. The Coach was a solid 176-91 straight up and 138-129 against the spread.
Everyone’s goal is to do better. Let’s start achieving that goal now. Here’s a look at Thursday night’s game. We’ll have the picks for the rest of the week on Friday. As always, Dr. Football writes our reasoned opinions while the Coach eats Cheezies and throws in the occasional comment.
Baltimore Ravens (0-0) at Denver Broncos (0-0)
Line: Broncos by 8.5.
I’m pretty sure this will be a big Super bowl hangover year for the Ravens, and I’m positive the Broncos will win the AFC West. Peyton will light it up. Coach says: Ray Lewis has retired, Ray Rice will get tired, and Peyton is not going to lose the opener at home.
The Doc: BRONCOS TO WIN AND COVER.
The Coach: BRONCOS TO WIN BUT NOT COVER.